I see nothing; I hear nothing. I can’t feel anything but blinding pain.
Nick’s first words rip through the deafening silence. “Bring some ice!” And like with all his orders, someone takes off, receding steps pounding the wooden floor towards the rear. The squeaky door opened and slammed shut.
Now Nick himself covers the short distance between the front row and the stage with a few giant steps. I will always recognize his light steps, same as at the end of his workday, when he climbs up the stairs, undoing his tie and pulling out the hem of his shirt, as he skips them by two. To jump my bones, to devour me. Except now, he’s in a different hurry.
“Stand down!” he barks at Mistress Kat.
His hands are everywhere: unbuckling the restraints and freeing up my hands, caressing my hair, rubbing my back. He doesn’t dare to touch my burning ass, the only place I crave and despise his soothing hand to be right now.
“You promised—” I start, but he doesn’t let me finish.
“I know I promised not to intervene, but you took it too far, darling.” Nick angles my head to see my eyes. “You always have a choice.”
“Fucking amateurs!” Aldous yells from afar. “Nicholas, you pulled her out of the scene.”
“Bugger off and stay there,” Nick responds, without turning his head. “Never in a million years, I would want you to think that you can’t decide, that you don’t have a choice.”
The sound of ice cubes, clinking and crackling in the plastic bag, is like manna from heaven. The sharp pain from the cold, as always, overrides the burning pain in my bottom. For a few moments, Nick focuses on rearranging the ice bag and keeping it in place.
“I made my choice.” At last, I lift my hand to touch his cheek. “You are my home.”
“Then let me take you home,” Nick pleads.
“I can’t.” I dread what comes next and crave it all the same. Why is it so hard to explain, to put in words, that I crave this debilitating pain and not just the pain, but all the humiliating ways to inflict it? I need to beg for mercy, only to be denied of it. To plead and had nothing but harsh and unwavering strike in response.
“Of course, you can. Just say the word and end this hell.”
“I want to become a good girl. I need you to be a part of it, of making me into a good girl.”
“Alright,” Nick nods. The prospect of transforming me into a good girl has some magical, unexplainable effect on him. “Did I pull you out of the scene?” he whispers.
“Uh-huh,” I confirm. “But she will bring me back.” I glance at my torturer.
Mistress Cat springs into action. “The ice, sir, better take it off. Or she will need a prolonged warmup.” Bitch!
Nick cringes, but yanks the ice bag off. “Can I,” he hesitates. “Can I hold you while—” he trails off.
“It’s not that kind of scene,” I whisper back. “But, thank you.” I leave so many unsaid words behind a simple thank you. Thank you for understanding, even when you don’t; for doing it for me and with me, when your very soul screams not to; for trying.
Still crouched beside my face, Nick places one chaste kiss on my forehead. “Whatever happens, remember, at the end of it, I’ll take you home.”