Saturday morning edition, a fresh batch of some pun and dad jokes, all by yours truly. See yesterday post for the previous batch. Yes, when life gives you lemons, make a key lime pie.
I have an accounting joke, it might cost me too much.
I have a librarian joke, can't find it.
I have a surfer joke, it whooshes over.
I have a carpenter joke, but can't nail it.
I have a plumber joke, but it can leak.
I have an excavation joke, just digging it deeper.
I have a trader joke, but it can fall short.
I have a makeup joke that can make you blush.
I have a fisherman joke, the one that got away.
I have a bartender joke, but it's a tall order to fill.
I have a race car joke, but it disappeared too fast.
I have a baking joke, but it might not rise to the occasion.
I have a whiskey joke, but it's too old.
I have a gun joke, but it might backfire.
I have a relationship joke, but afraid to let it go.
I have a masochist joke, only it's hard to bear.
I have a sadist joke, it's smart as a whip.
I have a comedian joke, and I will stand up.
Bam!
My dear readers, I'm really sorry for disappearing. I had my reasons, one day I will tell you more. Short version: betrayal, death in the family, and a vicious threat. All in a span of a few days back in September.
But today, I just want to cheer everyone up. I wrote a bunch of Dad jokes today and want to share them with you. They are truly all mine!
Yours, Sore
I have a shibari joke, but I forgot how to tie it all together.
I have a D/s joke, but don't know where to submit it.
I have a DD joke, but nowhere to Head with it.
I have an S/M joke, but it's too painful.
I have a little joke, but Daddy won't listen.
I have a spanking joke, but you will end up red.
I have a primal joke, but it has a bite.
I have an M/s joke, but it was hard to Master.
I have a cooking joke, but it might burn or get roasted.
I have a fishing joke, but it might get off the hook.
I have a history joke, but no Friday night dates.
I have a chemistry joke, but it's missing elements.
The picture is from Men's Health, and the text is from Tumblr. Sunday is a slow day, I thought to share some fun here:
blowjob advice:
make sure beforehand to tap the tip with your finger and say, “is this thing on?”
Why the geese? Because they are BACK!!! You know what it means? That the spring is really really here, despite all the snow, there is no turning back. So, to all the good things to come: shorts, sundresses, flip-flops (on my feet or not, see the footnote), lavender fields, the smell of fresh strawberries, the smell of fresh cut grass, what else? tan lines!! Sore dreams of summer...
Footnote on flip-flops, sandals, and other flat footwear:
Hermione recently posted about slippering here. And while I recalled reading the Marrakesh story (here) but there was something else I couldn't pinpoint that day. Only today it hit me, it was the beautiful spanking story I un-earthed one day on Erica's site, as she called it, My favourite spanking story. For you reading pleasure, read it here
Limerick #9 - For Hermione
A brilliant blogger named Hermione
Gives shivers to my heart and my knees
Lives north of forty-four
Shovels snow off her door
Between spankings and brunches, oh my oh me
To read all Limericks click here.
Limerick #6 - Corner time (originally written for Hermione's brunch)
Corner time is a heavy affair
Sighs, regrets, pouts, hiccups to spare
With red bum on display
It's the price one must pay
For the pleasure of poking the bear
Bonnie: It's hard to rhyme my name.
Me: Hold my beer...
Limericks #7 and #8 - For Bonnie
Of things that will teach you our Bonnie
None can be described as baloney
Legs up, OTK,
Hold tight, no escape,
Paddled, belted, and caned, plump or bony
Tutorials, stories, or brunches
No dungeons, no punches or munches
Whether spanko or not
You will end up hot
With smart bottom and panties in bunches
To read all Limericks click here.
#3 Carpet Beater
Carpet beater was laying around
For the carpet not bum soft and round
But the schoolgirl she is
White socks, down on her knees
Met its sting with formidable sound
This limerick was inspired by Perfectdt
#4 Adventures
Biting chips is a dangerous venture
You may end up in need of the dentures
But good girl that she is
Fondles still did blow BIKSS
Then she blogged all her recent adventures
And this one by Fondles
#5 Bonanza
JM flew a plane called Bonanza
Where rules are no panties or pants on
With the flick of her heel
She cranked up the thrill
Roger that, either hands off or hands on
Inspired by Jean Marie
To read all Limericks click here.
Limerick #2
There is this girl in D.C.
That can't properly sit on her seat
Her boyfriend got fed
Up and painted it red
But... forgave all her silly deceits
P.S. No national monuments, even as phallic as this one, were harmed in the production of this limerick. Picture from Wiki. I can't believe I traveled all over the world but Washington is still on my bucket list.
For Limerick #1 called Mona Lisa Cries click here. Yay or nay on limericks? They are fun to write.
All limericks so far are about Izzie, who else. Head over to My stories if you are new to this blog.
To read all Limericks click here.
There was once a girl from Ibiza
There was nothing else that would please 'er
Than the six of the best
May your hand never rest
Smile for me, plead and cry, Mona Lisa
PS. I swear, I didn't paint her... red
To read all Limericks click here.
I don't know how about you, but I like to check where the visitors to my blog come from, I mean from which countries. Blogger provides you with the total number per country for a chosen period of time and a pie diagram.
When it comes to pies, obviously the biggest, by a mile, chunk is taken by US, how else, followed by the other two coincidentally English-speaking countries, UK and Canada. UK's slice of pie is a tad bigger than the Canadian, which I attribute not to the general kinkiness of UK people, but sheer difference in population. UK has 67 millions, and Canada has only 38 million. Yes, as the population goes, Canada is quite a small country, do with that useless or not piece of information as you will.
Now, there are a couple of anomalies that are quite easy to decipher: one is a tiny country in Southeast Asia that also is a former British colony, and the other one is a small-ish European country where a well known Englishman with certain interests resides. There is also Australia, no wonder there. **Wink-wink, don't be shy, I know that you occasionally read my blog.
But what really surprises me that Germany is making the top five, and I don't know any of my commenters from there. And it's a substantial number of clicks. France and Spain are the other two but with smaller numbers attached to it.
So, please my German, French, and Spanish lurkers, drop a line, even anonymously, and resolve this mystery for me.
On this blog, Love Your Lurkers day is every day!!
PS. Do you like oysters? Surprisingly, if bought in a supermarket in a wooden box, it's quite inexpensive treat, compared to what restaurants charge per piece. All you need is an oyster knife or even a flat screwdriver, to learn how to shuck them, and a sliced lemon. We learned that, you know, when we were spending all our time at home, and I had a craving for oysters.
Careful, don't stab yourself, please! Better hold it with a towel. And, you're welcome.
PPS. By the way, oysters are aphrodisiacs, perfect for Valentine's Day. You're most welcome!
Here they were, ripe luscious globes, rapidly getting that warm pink hue with a touch of purple, boiling hot, tender to the touch, sweet, delicious, smelling of cinnamon with a whiff of vanilla.
Ahem, I was talking about making the apricot jam. I know, no good deed shall go unpunished.
Such a sweet way to start the day! Some apricots were about to go bad, so I threw them in the pot together with leftover blackberries and a heap of sugar, and voila, the jam was on the way, and my deprived imagination was taking notes, rolling the reality and the fantasy in one...
Now, get off your lazy bums and go read Never in Anger or any of my stories and comment! Pretty please with a purple blackberry on top...
UPDATE: for the most updated list of all the stories please click on the Almond Croissant or on My Stories
Good things are worth repeating twice: yep, Kept Calm and Carried On. (The picture is of the Original 1939 poster, Public Domain. Thank you, Wiki!)
The famous list of how to say you-know-what without using the actual word, got A LOT of additions, and hopefully will keep growing.
For the full list click here: Let's start it with a BANG! which was complimentary to Bonnie's list that you can find here: Let me count the ways
If we are already talking about Bonnie, this song was dedicated to Bonnie: A Bottom Song
And more shameless plugs, to read all my stories, just click on the tag FICTION or follow the current Izzie + Nick timeline:
Happy New Year, everyone! Let's start it with a BANG.
Our dear Bonnie put together the most comprehensive list of 100 ways to say spanking without mentioning the word, posted here by lovely Hermione here: Let me count the ways,
And I just loved it, and then felt that I do have a few additions, some are the play on oldies, others are completely made up by yours truly.
Full disclosure, no bums, kittens, or feelings were harmed in the production of this list. Please keep in mind, that it's complimentary to Bonnie's list. And I will keep coming back to it with additions.
Oh, lighten up a bit. Not everything has to be about D/s.
I heard a joke recently: I changed the GPS voice to male, and now he says, "Just keep driving. It's somewhere around here."
In our version it would be somewhere along the lines:
I have to admit that with years I became more tolerable as a backseat driver, now just occasionally inquiring if he is training for the next Formula 1 race, when he switches lanes not according to my definition of normal. Or asking gently not to cause me a heart attack on the road, as it would be a great inconvenience to him.
What kind of backseat driver are you?